I Didn’t Really Want To Die, As Much As I Thought

Written by Tea Jay.

It came on suddenly. Suicidal thoughts had been lingering for weeks now, but I had no actual plan to attempt to take my life. Then, just like that, something switched. Nothing in the world mattered. I was slipping into darkness and I was allowing it to take me. I was ready to end my life.

 

But I was alive. I survived, yet again.

 

And then, a few hours later, I woke up, with a headache and some rage. But I was alive. I survived, yet again. Part of me was disappointed. This isn’t the first time I have tried to take my life. But a much larger part of me was grateful. I wasn’t really ready to go; I just wanted to stop feeling all my emotions, even for a moment. I didn’t really want to die, as much as I thought I did. I wanted to stop being emotional. I wanted to be numb. I wanted to feel nothing.

 

I received silence. friends whom I had just been having conversations with went cold. Nobody had a word to say to me.

 

It’s been a week now. I’m safe and not planning on harming myself again, and I’m joining a program that will help my mental health. I went public with my attempt, posted about it on Facebook and told my friends; for me, that was a way to stay accountable. I received silence. friends whom I had just been having conversations with went cold. Nobody had a word to say to me.

 

People don’t know how to respond to suicide attempts.

 

I realized that this is a problem. People don’t know how to respond to suicide attempts. This is a problem because after a suicide attempt, all I wanted was support; but my friends and family didn’t know how to do that for me. I’m not sure what it is; an awkward situation, afraid to make things worse? Whatever the reasoning, silence is not the answer.

 

The easiest thing to say to someone after a suicide attempt is, “I’m glad you’re still here” or, “I love you.”

 

The easiest thing to say to someone after a suicide attempt is, “I’m glad you’re still here” or, “I love you.” They are the simplest things to say, yet leave such a major impact. Check in on the person if you’re feeling comfortable enough. Ask them if they need any help, or if they want some company. Or simply, act normal. All I wanted was my life to return to normal after my attempt. If one friend came over and watched a movie with me, it would have made a world of a difference.

 

You could be saving someone just by saying hello.

 

I get it; knowing someone wanted to die, and recently at that, is an uncomfortable situation. But you have the power to bring comfort back into their life. Talk about it, start a conversation and show how much you care. You could be saving someone just by saying hello.

Schizophrenic.NYC Mental Health Clothing Line Blog Post

Schizophrenic.NYC Mental Health Clothing Line Blog Post

schiztaylorjones

Tea JaySchizophrenic.NYC – Staff Blogger
Tea Jay is an author based out of New England. She is the author of the children’s book “I’m Sick; A Mental Health Book From Adults To Kids.” She writes about living with mental illness including BPD, DID, Dissociative Amnesia, and PTSD. She is best known for her article/video “When You’re In The Gray Area Of Being Suicidal.” Taylor is also a stay at home mom to her 2 year old Jack.

Website: HelloTeaJay.wordpress.com
Facebook: Hello Tea Jay

Comments

comments

2018-01-23T20:28:38+00:00 January 23rd, 2018|blog, Taylor Jones, writing|