I Fake My Happiness. And It Sucks.

Written by Taylor Nicole.

I’m a pretty happy person…for someone with severe depression. That being said I’m still very sad for most of the time. It’s not my fault that I’m sick. But it will be my fault when I show up to happy events acting the way I feel. So a lot of times I fake my happiness. And it sucks.

 

But when I have to fake it, the sadness just gets worse

 

It’s tiring to act happy all the time, but I don’t want people to be concerned for me, or soak up negative attention. But sometimes I just want to act like myself. I don’t want to fake happiness. It’s tiring. I want to feel my emotions out. Usually when I feel my sadness out, it eventually goes away. But when I have to fake it, the sadness just gets worse, and transforms into something worse, including anger. It’s not healthy to hide your emotions, yet I’m doing it on a daily basis.

 

Sometimes I just want to show my true, sad colors.

 

Sometimes I just want to show my true, sad colors. And I want people to be okay with how I’m feeling without feeling ungrateful. My mental illness stops me from being who I truly am a lot of the time, but it’s even worse in public. I’m not saying I like being sad…I hate it. But I want to feel free enough to feel that.

 

I just want to be myself.

 

I’ll still fake happiness. But if it’s making me more miserable than I already am, I’ll leave wherever I feel uncomfortable being sad. It’s not healthy to not allow myself to really feel. I’m not going to put other people in front of what I need. If I need to be sad, I’ll be sad. I’m not going to continue to fake happiness to please others. I just want to be myself.

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Taylor NicoleSchizophrenic.NYC – Staff Blogger
Taylor Nicole is an author based out of New England. She is the author of the children’s book “I’m Sick; A Mental Health Book From Adults To Kids.” She writes about living with mental illness including BPD, DID, Dissociative Amnesia, and PTSD. She is best known for her article/video “When You’re In The Gray Area Of Being Suicidal.” Taylor is also a stay at home mom to her 2 year old Jack.

Website: AuthorTaylorNicole.com
Facebook: Author Taylor Nicole

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2017-11-15T16:54:22+00:00 November 15th, 2017|blog, Taylor Jones, writing|