Please Note: This transcript was computer generated. Please be mindful of errors. Thank you.
Announcer: So, what did the bipolar say to the schizophrenic? You’re in the right place to find out. . .
Gabe Howard: Welcome to a brand new season of A bipolar, a schizophrenic, and a Podcast. We want to shout out our sponsor, BetterHelp. Get 10% off your first month by going to BetterHelp.com/BSP22. Michelle,
Michelle Hammer: Gabe?
Gabe Howard: It is episode number one.
Michelle Hammer: Gabe, it’s episode number one hundred bazillion,
Gabe Howard: I just said that. No, no, it’s episode number one of season two.
Michelle Hammer: Oh, OK, season.
Gabe Howard: [Laughter]
Michelle Hammer: Season Two, is a good season.
Gabe Howard: Did you think we were on a bazillion?
Michelle Hammer: You know, I don’t know how time works these days in this panoramic we live in. I don’t know if it’s
Gabe Howard: Panoramic.
Michelle Hammer: Monday. To Monday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. You know, how like at the beginning of the panoramic, you’re thinking every day, let’s just get drunk because it was at the beginning.
Gabe Howard: No,
Michelle Hammer: And then
Gabe Howard: No.
Michelle Hammer: It kept and it was like, Dude, I can’t just get drunk every single day. This thing is never-ending. And I was like, yeah, we have to like change our lives or something because. And we’re in the beginning of a panoramic, you know what I’m saying?
Gabe Howard: For no, it’s a pandemic, it’s a pandemic.
Michelle Hammer: Whatever, whatever you want to call it. Whatever. Whatever you want to call this, COVID
Gabe Howard: You should call it a pandemic because it is a pandemic.
Michelle Hammer: COVID, corona, whatever delta, whatever you want to call it, just call it whatever you want to do. But like, I’m over it already, I’m over it. Can it go away?
Gabe Howard: I think I think everybody is over it, and we’re sincerely hoping that by bringing back A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast, this provides some joy in a clearly people’s otherwise meaningless life. I mean, there’s been a void that only Gabe and Michelle can fill, and we’re going to fill it with what?
Michelle Hammer: Two truths and a lie.
Gabe Howard: Excellent, so here are the rules for those of you who listened to the previous iteration of A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. It was a free for all. We could do, whatever we want. But in season 2.0, all of our truths and lies have to exist between the time period of the ending of the last season and right now. So pretty much about the last two and a half years.
Michelle Hammer: I did not follow those rules.
Gabe Howard: I did.
Michelle Hammer: I did not.
Gabe Howard: You just you just we
Michelle Hammer: I didn’t realize
Gabe Howard: We rehearsed.
Michelle Hammer: That was the rule, I thought you just said then, but I didn’t, I didn’t go with that. I was thinking
Gabe Howard: You just?
Michelle Hammer: And then I just started thinking of things because I don’t know what happens and I try my best and I, I didn’t do that. I didn’t realize that was a rule.
Gabe Howard: Wow. Ok, well, that is apparently no longer a rule, it’s a free for all. I did mine from the time of the last season to now. And Michelle, as per usual, did whatever she wanted. Michelle, do you want to go first or do you want me to go first?
Michelle Hammer: I can go first, I can go first because
Gabe Howard: All right.
Michelle Hammer: I, you know, these these truths and then like a lie, and then I got to think of these things because I don’t know what I live, OK? Ok, so I was thinking about jobs and weird things that had to do with schizophrenia and me working. And this was a very simple one. I quit a job after three days because it affected my mental health so badly that I had to change all of my meds because of it. That’s really, that’s it.
Gabe Howard: That, that’s it? That’s? That’s story?
Michelle Hammer: It was such a horrible job.
Gabe Howard: Story number one?
Michelle Hammer: Such a horrible job that I just left after three days, wrote them an email. Moving forward, I’m not coming in anymore and then I had to change all my meds.
Gabe Howard: That’s a
Michelle Hammer: It’s a good one, right?
Gabe Howard: That’s a.
Michelle Hammer: That’s a good one.
Gabe Howard: I mean, that’s
Michelle Hammer: You can follow up on questions,
Gabe Howard: That’s a barn burner.
Michelle Hammer: I can answer your questions, but I just was I was trying to come up with these truths, and I’m just that’s that.
Gabe Howard: I feel like I worked harder. All right, all right, here is mine. At the beginning of the pandemic when everything shut down, I didn’t know what to do about my routines. I have. I have very strict routines to manage bipolar disorder, and because those routines got disrupted, I had so much depression and anxiety because the I mean, the routines were gone. So it caused me like agitation, anxiety, depression. I became really withdrawn and I decided as a solution. This was my solution, Michelle, that because my daytime routine was messed up so much that to get through it, I would just sleep all day. But in order to sleep all day, I had to stay up all night, and the worse that it got is I forced myself to stay up for like 48, 50 hours in a row so that I could sleep the entire day and not have to worry about the routine disruption. And it didn’t work. I just laid in bed all day crying at just how the. Losing my routine was hard. It was that at one point all of my coping skills were illegal. That is my first story, which again happened between the last show ending and now, so we’ve got two stories out of the gate. Michelle got fired.
Michelle Hammer: No, I quit.
Gabe Howard: Fine. Michelle got quit because she was about to get fired, and Gabe tells a heartwarming story about how the pandemic ruined his routine and impacted his mental health. All right. Story number two, Michelle, you are up.
Michelle Hammer: So this is another one that I had to think of. So one time,
Gabe Howard: At Band Camp?
Michelle Hammer: I’m not sure. No, no. I went on a job interview, but I think they confused me for the wrong person. So I kind of just pretended I was the other person, and I just kept answering all the questions that I didn’t know any of the answers to. But I started getting one of those like, you know, feelings like you ever like, go somewhere and someone thinks you’re something you’re kind of like cooler than you are. So then you try to be cooler than you are. So I was trying to be like cooler than I was, and I was just kind of answering the questions, but I didn’t know what I was talking about because they were like, Wait, what time was your interview? Seven, seven thirty or what? And I was like, Oh yeah, I’m here. Like, they ask me my name and they kept asking and I was like, Yeah, I’m I’m. Yeah, yeah, oh yeah. But I didn’t get that job.
Gabe Howard: I feel like I need to say, Michelle, that any story that involves you saying, Hey, I’m trying to be cooler than I am has to be the lie because you believe with all confidence that you are the end all, be all of coolness and awesome. So.
Michelle Hammer: I, I don’t know. It was a job interview. It was a job interview.
Gabe Howard: Yeah, but, but.
Michelle Hammer: They thought I was somebody else. It was a fashion job interview where they thought I was somebody else. It was very uncomfortable because I kept having to pretend that I knew what they were talking about and I nodded and nodded. And I’ve actually, I’ve done that on many interviews, but this one, I didn’t know what I was talking about. You never lied on a job interview?
Gabe Howard: That’s exactly how you got this job. That is how you got this job. You pretended to know what you were. You’re like podcasts. Yeah, I’ve been. I’m in podcasting since ’85. And I believed you like I’m a public speaker. Remember when we met, you were like, I’m a public speaker. I should have followed up with and how many times? Because you would have been like, four? Yeah. Yeah, it’s just confidence will get you anywhere.
Michelle Hammer: I think.
Gabe Howard: That is a Michelle Hammer quote.
Michelle Hammer: Listen, I public speak all the time at my pop up shop.
Gabe Howard: You public speak in subways, but that is a symptom of schizophrenia. All right. My second story? Ready.
Michelle Hammer: I’m ready.
Gabe Howard: As everybody knows, and as Michelle knows, the show ended because there was some animosity.
Michelle Hammer: Yes.
Gabe Howard: It’s going to go with animosity. And recently I did this this whole revamp of my email and I found drafts. When the show ended, Michelle and I, we were kind of at odds, so we didn’t speak for about six months. But this made me sad, and I kept trying to like figure out how to reach out to Michelle, and I would start these emails or texts, and ultimately I would decide not to send them because I was afraid that she would read them wrong or that it just wasn’t the right time. And I found one of these in my draft, my drafts. Because the Google saves everything. Google is basically a hoarder, but anyways, here is the email. I’m just going to read it verbatim. I know I’m not the easiest person to get along with, and I have my issues, but I never lied to you and I complimented you both privately and publicly, constantly. It hurt me honestly more than I should be willing to admit that you could never bring yourself to say anything nice about me. I realize now that my anger was just hiding my actual emotion, which was sadness. I wanted your respect. I wanted your approval. And I wanted you, perhaps unfairly, to validate my efforts. It made me angry that you would not, and eventually, I decided that you didn’t give a shit about me. All right.
Michelle Hammer: All right.
Gabe Howard: That is my number two.
Michelle Hammer: I mean, I could see that happening, because that sounds just like you to say that.
Gabe Howard: Well, even if it was a lie, it would still be written by me.
Michelle Hammer: I mean, I mean, if it is a lie, you wrote a letter that sounds just like you, OK?
Gabe Howard: It’s moments like these, I’m glad we don’t have video.
Michelle Hammer: Hmm.
Gabe Howard: Michelle, your story number two.
Michelle Hammer: No, this is number three.
Gabe Howard: It’s your story, number three.
Michelle Hammer: Yes.
Gabe Howard: Oh, I’m not good at counting.
Michelle Hammer: Ok. Story number three,
Gabe Howard: I apparently can only count to two.
Michelle Hammer: Story number three. Ok. I was interning at this company and I wanted to be chosen to like, level up, get a job. So I have a meeting with my boss and he’s kind of telling me these stories of when he was younger and how he had to go on medication and he was younger. He was working somewhere and he had to go on medication.
Gabe Howard: Hang on, hang on, hang on. Was he younger and was he on medication?
Michelle Hammer: That’s what he kept saying to me, and I worked here and I worked there and things weren’t working out and I had to go on medication and I swear to God, he said it
Gabe Howard: Did he have to go on medication?
Michelle Hammer: That’s what I’m saying. He kept saying it over and over and over again to me when I was not medicated at this time. So basically, he was telling me, You need to go on medication.
Gabe Howard: He was telling you that you needed to go on medication?
Michelle Hammer: Without directly telling me, Girl, you need meds.
Gabe Howard: Was he right?
Michelle Hammer: Well, yes.
Gabe Howard: So what do you? I mean, you are, you do have a happy tone in your voice. Oh, is this the person who saved you, Michelle?
Michelle Hammer: Oh, hell, no, I hate his guts.
Gabe Howard: Yeah, but he was right about the you need to go on medication.
Michelle Hammer: I was working on it at that point, I was working on it, I was getting there.
Gabe Howard: Now, by working on it, illuminate our listeners, do you mean like you were doing nothing but the thought was in your head? Or did you actually have like an appointment?
Michelle Hammer: I was seeing the therapist who was then going to get me to see my psychiatrist.
Gabe Howard: Ok. That’s, I only bring that up because of the number of people that you and I talk to that are like, I’m working on it and we’re like, OK, what exactly have you done? And they’re like, I worked on it. I’m like, OK, but but like, what steps have you taken? I’m working on it. Ok, but like, like if you had to write down like step one, step two, step three, what would you write there? And they would like step one, I step two, am, step three, working, step four, on.
Michelle Hammer: Yeah.
Announcer: This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. BetterHelp is not a crisis line, it’s not self-help. Instead, it’s professional therapy done securely online. BetterHelp will determine your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist in under 48 hours. You’ll get timely and thoughtful responses plus you can schedule weekly video or phone sessions, so you won’t ever have to sit in an uncomfortable waiting room as with traditional therapy. Visit BetterHelp.com/BSP22 and get 10% off your first month. Join the over 2 million people who have taken charge of their mental health. That’s BetterHelp, H E L P. Go to BetterHelp.com/BSP22.
Michelle Hammer: And we’re back playing two truths and a lie.
Gabe Howard: All right, Michelle, my number three. I see other people who are happy. I do. I look around and they’re happy. They I think you, Michelle, are happy. And they. And I ask them, like, like when I see people who are happy, I ask them, almost like a science project. I say, Hey, are you happy? And people who aren’t messed up like me, they’re just like, Yeah, of course I’m happy and I say, how? Like what? What makes you happy? And they’ll describe like events or actions and moments and things in their life that gives them joy, makes them feel joy. And then I go and duplicate them. I duplicate them as best as I can by doing things like, It’s weird I. I got a dog, I cuddle with my dog, I got a house, and I do all the things that other people are doing who say that it makes them happy. And I’m always, always, always, always left wanting. I do all of the things that make other people happy, and they never make me happy. Now, let’s fast forward to the pandemic. The pandemic really exacerbated this because there were no distractions. I couldn’t go out. I wasn’t working as much. It wasn’t traveling. I was just sitting at home just really thinking about this and I don’t know that I’m able to be happy. I think it might be a bit like expecting a fish to climb a tree. It’s just an unreasonable thing for them. It’s almost mean. And, there’s a lot of negativity in my life, and I suppose there probably is a counterbalance of positivity, but for whatever reason, I can’t feel the positive. I only ever feel the negative. And because of the pandemic, it just ,I’ve just become increasingly aware that happiness is not a goal for me. And I don’t know what to do with that.
Michelle Hammer: Well, that was uplifting.
Gabe Howard: It’s called two truths and a lie. It’s called A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. It’s not called blow sunshine up your ass and make you feel better.
Michelle Hammer: It’s, it’s like, be sad. Just be sad, or Gabe is, Gabe is mopey. Gabe’s sad.
Gabe Howard: Wow. Geez, and you wonder why I can only absorb negativity,
Michelle Hammer: [Laughter]
Gabe Howard: See? Let me, let me give you a life lesson, Michelle. Most people, upon hearing that their friend is sad, they do like, Dude, I love you. You’re my boy. Like, we cool. I don’t find you annoying. Nope. Not Michelle. She’s like, Yeah, you know those horrible instincts that are built into you. I will dump gas on that fire.
Michelle Hammer: That’s right.
Gabe Howard: You’re lucky I know you love me. Like, sincerely, you are lucky that I know that you love me. Otherwise, this would be A Bipolar, a podcast, and a Schizophrenic Breakup 2.0
Michelle Hammer: 2.0?
Gabe Howard: 2.0. That’s the.
Michelle Hammer: The bicentennial.
Gabe Howard: That’s not a bicentennial,
Michelle Hammer: [Laughter]
Gabe Howard: It’s just the number two. Where did you get bicentennial?
Michelle Hammer: Listen, you don’t have to know where I come up with things, they just happen, so I don’t know why you’re asking all these questions. We’re in a panoramic. We don’t even know what’s corona and delta and shots, and you got to get a booster shot. You got to get a flu shot. You got to get all these shots. Everyone’s just getting shots everywhere.
Gabe Howard: I have no idea what you’re talking about, Michelle, but what I do know is that we have now completed two truths and a lie. We have each told three stories, two of them being true. One of them being a lie. Michelle told, I don’t know. I can’t even figure out what the hell Michelle is doing. And then, of course, Michelle has accused me of bringing down the podcast about living with bipolar and schizophrenia and not making it uplifting. You sound like every therapist I’ve ever seen, ever, so thank you for walking into that trap. All right, Michelle. Which one is my lie?
Michelle Hammer: The first one.
Gabe Howard: This is awkward, I don’t remember what the first one was.
Michelle Hammer: With the one about you not sleeping.
Gabe Howard: That is the lie. You nailed it, you nailed it.
Michelle Hammer: Gabe, do you know how I know that’s
Gabe Howard: Just out of curiosity, why?
Michelle Hammer: Why? You are the number one person to talk about sleep hygiene. You not doing good sleep hygiene is so obviously a lie because you talk about sleep hygiene all the time. You explain sleep hygiene. You’re always telling people, Oh, sleeping this sleep, sleep, blah, blah, blah, sleep, sleep hygiene. Oh, and more. But you’re staying up for how many hours to sleep all day? Absolutely not. That is the antithesis of you to not practice sleep hygiene.
Gabe Howard: I don’t know if you used that word correctly, but if you did, kudos.
Michelle Hammer: Thank you.
Gabe Howard: All right, Michelle, your lie. I don’t think you quit. You’ve been fired
Michelle Hammer: No, that’s true. That’s true, that’s true.
Gabe Howard: Is it true? How? You’ve been fired 14, how many times have you quit?
Michelle Hammer: Twice.
Gabe Howard: I mean, I knew about the 14 firings, but you’ve also got quitting in there.
Michelle Hammer: Uh-huh.
Gabe Howard: How many jobs did you get?
Michelle Hammer: I’ve had like 15 jobs in the city.
Gabe Howard: Wow. You know, if you weren’t a completely miserable person, think of how successful you would be. All right, well, I have clearly lost and you have clearly won, which one is the lie, Michelle?
Michelle Hammer: Oh, the one, the one where I went on a job interview that I didn’t know what I was doing.
Gabe Howard: The? I said that was the lie in the beginning, I was like, there is no way that Michele lacks confidence. You have so much confidence. I am positive that if somebody said, Hey, do you know more about Gabe’s life than Gabe does? You’d be like, You’re damn right I do.
Michelle Hammer: I mean.
Gabe Howard: I am the best at everything.
Michelle Hammer: I have lied on interviews saying that I knew stuff I didn’t know, but I didn’t just pretend to be like, Oh yeah, this, yeah, fashion, I know I’ve done that before. Totally. And I don’t do that.
Gabe Howard: I think it’s a little bit sad that I did not immediately recognize that as a lie because I’m like, I can see Michele doing that. I can completely see Michele doing that. That does not speak highly of you.
Michelle Hammer: You’re just mad because I won.
Gabe Howard: That is true, I am always mad.
Michelle Hammer: You made it really obvious, like you really made it obvious.
Gabe Howard: I made it obvious? I made it too easy for you?
Michelle Hammer: You made it like really easy. Do you really think that I would not know that you practice perfect sleep hygiene?
Gabe Howard: But everybody fails. Just because you try to have good sleep hygiene Doesn’t mean that you’re always successful.
Michelle Hammer: But you? You? You and sleep hygiene?
Gabe Howard: Fine. I see you were paying attention when I talk.
Michelle Hammer: And I have heard you talk about sleep hygiene like 25 times. Maybe more.
Gabe Howard: All right, Michelle, you did win. Now, as everybody knows, this is episode one of a 10 episode limited run season two that we’re doing here on A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast, and two truths and a lie was ever popular on the original series and nobody ever got to play but Gabe and Michelle. So we’ve decided to have a little contest, complete with a prize. Michelle and I are going to tell you a story. That’s it. We’re going to tell you a story, and you have to decide if Gabe and Michelle are telling the truth, or if Gabe and Michelle are telling a lie. And what you will do is you will email us at BSP@ThisEmotionalLife.org and just tell us whether it’s a truth or a lie and why. That makes you eligible. In a future episode, we are going to tell everybody if this is a truth or a lie and somebody’s going to win. Now, listen, if multiple people get it right, which clearly there’s only two options and multiple people are going to get it right. We are going to put your name in a drawing, so not everybody is going to win. But if you get it right, you have a chance to win a swag prize pack from Gabe and Michelle. All right, Michelle, are you ready?
Michelle Hammer: I am so ready.
Gabe Howard: Ok, now remember, you can’t tell people in the story whether or not it’s Truth or a lie.
Michelle Hammer: Ok.
Gabe Howard: You’re good?
Michelle Hammer: Ok.
Gabe Howard: Ok, so about four years ago, three years ago, time is a construct. Michelle and I were at a conference and we were working together and our rooms were across the hall and.
Michelle Hammer: Because, because of our last names, it was alphabetical. That’s why we were across the hall.
Gabe Howard: You thought that was germane to the story?
Michelle Hammer: Well, I’m trying to give everyone a good visual context is that we were directly across the hall because I last name is Hammer. And your last name is Howard. So we were directly across the hall from each other. So it’s not like it just happened. But it happened.
Gabe Howard: At some point, Michelle got the idea that she needed to wake me up by banging on my door. So Michelle, who we’re just going to go with underdressed. I’m going to give you some dignity in this story and not point out the nudity that may or may not have been involved and you banged on my door under-clothed. The problem was is I was not in my room because I practice good?
Michelle Hammer: Sleep hygiene.
Gabe Howard: So I was already up and at breakfast, so, Michelle, upon realizing that I wasn’t in my room, went to go back into her room. Now the problem when you’re underdressed is you don’t have pockets. What are you keep in a pocket, Michelle?
Michelle Hammer: You keep a room key.
Gabe Howard: And what did Michelle Hammer not have?
Michelle Hammer: A room key. So there I was with no pants on. I had no pants on in the hallway of a hotel room at a conference. Oh no.
Gabe Howard: Yeah, you’re selling it. Ok, so Michelle couldn’t just go down and get let into her room because she had.
Michelle Hammer: No pants on.
Gabe Howard: Now I’m already downstairs, so later that day, I’m just like minding my own business and people are like, Hey, did you know that Michele knocked on your door under-clothed? And I was like, say what now?
Michelle Hammer: [Laughter]
Gabe Howard: Yeah, Michelle.
Michelle Hammer: Gabe was not pleased.
Gabe Howard: Gabe was not pleased. You don’t knock on people’s doors naked. That’s not a thing. Who taught? Who taught you that? I can hear your mother in her New York accent going, No, no, Michelle would not do that.
Michelle Hammer: No, no, no, no.
Gabe Howard: And I can hear your dad.
Michelle Hammer: My mom would say she would do that, she would
Gabe Howard: [Laughter]
Michelle Hammer: Know I would do that, and she would say, I thought you grew out of this. This is something a child would do. You are supposed to be an adult now. Why would you do that?
Gabe Howard: She would say, I thought you grew out of this? Was this, was this a problem in your early years? Were you just running through hotel rooms, scantily clad banging on people’s doors?
Michelle Hammer: No, but the stupidity things I don’t, you know.
Gabe Howard: There is no way your mother thinks you’re ever going to grow out of stupidity, that I know is a lie. Your mother has resigned herself to your stupidity. She’s like, No, this is who I have. I think that is enough of the story. You have to decide, is that a true story? Did Michelle do this or are we just lying? Is it a truth? Is it a lie? It is up to you to decide. So please email us at BSP@ThisEmotionalLife.org and tell us your guess and tell us why you guessed that way. On a future episode, we will tell you whether or not it was a truth or a lie, and we will also announce the winner. The winner gets a prize pack. It’s a super cool prize pack. It’s basically all the stuff that we can’t sell that we’re going to put in a box and send to you. So, you know, a lot of like chipped mugs, ripped T-shirts.
Michelle Hammer: Underwear.
Gabe Howard: Michelle?
Michelle Hammer: I got under, I got a lot of like underwear I could like throw
Gabe Howard: Oh,
Michelle Hammer: Away, but if you want it.
Gabe Howard: No, no, that’s
Michelle Hammer: Oh, Ok.
Gabe Howard: Not the podcast that. That’s the wrong, wrong podcast. Thank you, everybody, for listening in. My name is Gabe Howard. I am the author of “Mental Illness Is an Asshole,” which is available, signed on gabehoward.com. And of course, my super cool co-host Michelle Hammer can be found at Schizophrenic.NYC, which is where you can get all of her awesome shirts, pillboxes, leggings, mugs, stickers and more. You know the stuff that’s not rejected. Both of us are public speakers, and you can reach us on our respective websites and listen, do us a favor. Recommend this podcast to a friend. Like use your actual words. Say, Hey, you need to be listening to A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast on your favorite podcast player. Don’t forget to subscribe or follow. It’s absolutely free, and we will see you on our next episode.
Michelle Hammer: I quit, I quit.
Gabe Howard: You can’t quit, BetterHelp will be pissed, they’re our sponsor. And listen, you can get 10% off your first month by going to BetterHelp.com/BSP22.
Announcer: You’ve been listening to A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast, Season 2. Previous episodes can be found on your favorite podcast player or by visiting ThisEmotionalLife.org/BSP. Have comments or show ideas? Hit up the show at BSP@ThisEmotionalLife.org. Gabe and Michelle are not medical professionals. This podcast is not a substitute for medical advice and is for entertainment purposes only. If you need help, please call your doctor, emergency services, the national suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or text HOME to 741741. Thank you for listening.